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The Blonde Cop: A blonde in a
convertible is speeding down the highway when she gets pulled over by a
female police officer, who also turns out to be a blonde. She walks up
to the convertible and asks to see the blonde's drivers license.
Confused, the blonde asks, "What does a license look like?" Eager to
help, the officer happily responds, "It's that thing in your purse with
your face on it." The blonde begins searching through her purse and
finally pulls out a mirror. She flips it open, sees her own reflection
and figures that must be it. After handing it over to the officer, the
officer carefully looks at it says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If I knew you
were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!"
Top Of Page
 You're Going To Get Screwed: It
was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he
was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting
in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in
the car. Were you trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it." "Then
why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy
it?" "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed...
so we're just waiting.
Top Of Page
 Good
News, Bad News: "I have good
news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client." "What's the
bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the
murder scene." "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
Top Of Page
 The
Good Partner: The patrolman had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, yet his partner of 20 years stood by his side
every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for him to come
nearer. As he sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know
what? You have been with me all through the bad times. Every time I got
brought up on departmental charges, you were there to support and cover
me. The three times I got shot during those narcotics busts, you were
there. When I got kicked off the force and lost my house, you were there
for me. When my wife left me, you were still by my side. You know what?
"What?" He gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're fuckin' bad luck!!" Top Of
Page
 Parking
Tickets: I went to the store the other day. I was only in
there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a damn
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and
continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-nazi. He
glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn -- my car was parked around the
corner. Top Of Page
No Charge:
Policeman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the
night." Man: "What's the charge officer?" Policeman: "Oh, there's no
charge. It's all part of the service.
Top Of Page
 No
Name: A blonde is driving around in her red sports car and
suddenly gets pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches the
car holding the ticket and pen ready and says: "Young lady, you've been
driving almost double the speed limit. Give me your name please." "Hmmph!"
- says the blonde looking very irritated "thats just great... And what
am I going to be called then?!" Top Of Page
 Nobody
Available: I was going to bed the other night when my
neighbor called me and told me that I had left my shed light on. As I
looked for myself, I saw that there were people in my shed taking things
to their truck. I quickly phoned the Osceola County Sheriff's Office,
but they told me that no one was in this area to help at this time, but
they would send someone over as soon as they would be available. A bit
miffed, I said OK, hung up, and waited just one minute, Then phoned the
Sheriff's Office right back. I said: "Hello. I just called you a minute
ago because there were people in my shed stealing from me. Well, you
don't have to worry about them now because I've shot every last one of
them!" Then magically within a very few moments there were half a dozen
sheriff cars in my yard, an Armed Response Unit and a Police dog .....
the works! Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the
officers came over to me and said in a gruff and very demeaning manner,
"I thought you said that you'd shot them!" I replied with: I THOUGHT YOU
SAID... THERE WAS NOBODY AVAILABLE! Top Of
Page
 Guns
& Sex: There are three cops that go to the same bar after
work every night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie. One
night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the
third one comes into the bar with the biggest shit-eating grin on his
face. The other two cops ask him, "Why are you so happy?" He tells them,
"Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I had my
service revolver cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to
come, I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we
both came at the same time." The next night, the other veteran comes
into the bar with a shit-eating grin on his face and tells the other
veteran, "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible
sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to
come, I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was
great." The next night, the two veterans see the rookie come into the
bar, pissed as hell, kicking chairs as he makes his way over to them.
The rookie says, "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing
sixty-nine and I fired my gun! The bitch almost bit off my fucking dick
and she shit in my face!*!*!" Top Of Page
 Fido:
Crying her eyes out, the blonde approached the policeman and said
that her dog, Fido, was lost. When he suggested that she put an ad in
the paper, the blonde replied, "Well, I thought of that officer, but
then I remembered that dear little Fido can't read."
Top Of Page
The 911 Call: A
couple of West Virginia hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and
calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, lets make sure he's dead." ... There is a silence, then a
shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now
what?" Top Of Page
Mother Nature: A
woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she
noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down,
she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two
motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she
spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran
into the lady's room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The
cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she
said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
Top Of Page
 Shooting
Cans: Police were summoned to a small gun shop when the owner
became suspicious of one of his customers. "This redneck guy walks in
here and buys a box of high gauge ammo," he tells police. "The following
week he comes back in here and buys another box of ammo. This goes on
for three weeks. The next time he comes in my store I asked him what
he's shooting at because there's nothing in season right now. He says
"Oh, I'm just shooting cans." "Beer cans!" I remark. "No Sir!" he
replies, "I'm shooting me some Mexicans, Africans, Puerto
Ricans, don't matter me none." Top Of
Page
In Too Far: A man
and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back
the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even
seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked
about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him.
"Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you
drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed
and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her
blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her
panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the
car. He veered off the road over an embankment and wrapped the car
around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She
tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go up to the road and get
help," he said. "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she
replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a
police car. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, the officer
pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend my boyfriend!" she sobs,
"He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The officer, looking down at the
shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid
he's a goner! Top Of Page
 New
Police Mechanic: It was Bob's, the new mechanic for the
neighborhood police department, first day on the job. The Sarge told him
to fix the flashers because they weren't working. Try as he could he
could not get the flashers to work properly so he brought the patrol car
to a local garage to have it repaired. Later in the day the Sarge
returns to pick up the cruiser and asks Bob "Everything working okay
with the car now?" "Yep! I had to bring it into town though and was
worried that the mechanic there might try to rip me off." "Well?" asked
the Sarge. "I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth
of blinker fluid." Top Of Page
 Body
in the Trunk: A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding
and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's
license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got
my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is
stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I
saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in
there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver:
Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who
owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a
BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the
officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded
by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense
situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver:
Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owners' card. The driver
owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I
can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no
gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in
it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you
didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and
that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet
the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.
Top Of Page
Boots for sale:
There's the sad story of the poor motorcycle policeman who was in a
terrible accident. When he came out from under the anesthesia, the
doctor was leaning over him anxiously. "Son," he said, "I've got some
good news and some bad news. "The bad news is that your were in a very
serious accident, and I'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just
above the ankle." "Jesus," gasped the officer. "What's the good news?"
"The fellow in the next bed over there would like to buy those nice
shiny boots of yours." Top Of Page
Prison Fly: A
prisoner at the Edmonton Maximum Security Prison, doing 40 to life,
started training a large fly to do tricks. For years and years, day and
night, for thousands of hours, he worked with the tiny insect. After 5
years he taught it to walk across a miniature high wire. Another 5 years
passed and he taught it to ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair
of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. "When you and I get
out of here," the jailbird said to the fly. "we're going to tour the
night-spots and make a fortune." Finally the day arrived. With the fly
safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con
made his way to a local bar to celebrate and show off his new talented
friend. Once seated at the bar, he brought out his trick fly and placed
it on the bar counter. On cue, it started moon walking. "What about this
fly, eh?" he pointed out to the bartender. In one swift motion, the
bartender reached for his copy of the local newspaper, rolled it up and
squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it," muttered the
bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."
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White Collar Crime:
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate
looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said,
"I'm in here for a white collar crime too." "Well, that's a relief."
sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider
trading." "Oh nothing fancy like that for me." grinned the convict. "I
just killed a couple of priests." Top Of Page
Who's The Father:
A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds
one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my
father's in a fight. "Well, they get back to the bar and there's three
guys fighting like you wouldn't believe. After a while the cop turns to
the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father." The kid looks up at
the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting
about." Top Of Page
 Sergeant
Friday: My name is Sergeant Friday. I work on Tuesday.
Tuesday is my partner. One night we went to a party. On our way there,
we had a flat tire. I jacked, she pumped; I jacked, she pumped; Then she
got out of the car to fix the tire. When we got to the party, we all
felt merry. Merry got mad and left. We all jumped for Joy. Joy got mad
and left too. Then a lady jumped out of the party cake. We all had a
piece. Then we had some cake. I dropped my keys under the couch. I felt,
she felt; I felt, she felt; Then I looked under the couch for the keys.
Then I took her home and we sat on the porch. Someone threw a rock and
hit her on the tit. Broke three of my fingers. I was gonna kiss her
goodnight but she closed her legs and broke my glasses. Then her dad
came out and told me to beat it. So I did; Then I left.
Top Of Page
 Good
Nights Sleep: Officer Tom had this problem of getting up late
in the morning and was always late for duty. The Sergeant was getting
increasingly mad at him and threatened to discipline him severely if he
didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a
pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and
in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and
drove cheerfully to work. "Sarge", he said, "I went to the doctor and he
gave me a pill that actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the
Sergeant, "But where the fuck were you yesterday?"
Top Of Page
Sick Leave:
Negotiations between the (PBA) patrolman's union and the city were at an
impasse. The union denied that the cops were flagrantly abusing their
contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table,
the city's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the
newspaper, "This policeman," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill cop, who had
just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union
negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what
kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
Top Of Page
The Irishman: An
Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were sent to prison and were each
sentenced to 10 years in solitary confinement. Before they were locked
in their cells, they were each told that they could take one thing with
them. The Englishman chose a woman, the Scottish man chose a crate of
whiskey and the Irishman chose a carton of cigarettes. The 10 years
passed, and the day came for them to be released. The Englishman was
first and he emerged beaming from ear to ear having been quite satisfied
with the woman that had been provided. Next was the Scottish man, who
had to be helped out (as we know, the Scots have trouble holding their
liquor :-). Finally, they opened the Irishman's cell. The Irishman,
looking rather puzzled, popped his head out and asked "Anyone got a
match?" !! Top Of
Page
 FBI
Raid: "Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, I'm calling to report
about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his
firewood." "Thank you very much for the call and the tip sir." The next
day, FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where
the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open Every piece of wood,
but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings
at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did
they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
Top Of Page
Stolen Cop Car:
Two cops, Ben and Earl, pull up to a Burger King on a meal break. They
go inside and Earl holds a spot while Ben places the order at the
counter. Earl looks out the window, notices someone taking off with
their police cruiser and runs outside. Ben, hearing all the commotion,
runs outside and asks Earl what happened. "Ben! Ben! Someone just drove
off with our cruiser!" "Did you try to stop him?" Ben asked, "I did
better than that! I got the license plate number!"
Top Of Page
Elizabeth: A
married couple was sleeping when they heard loud noises coming from
downstairs. They immediately called 911. But before the police could
arrive a violent serial killer entered their bedroom. The intruder put a
knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my
victims before I kill them, what is your name?" "Elizabeth," the woman
whimpered. The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also
named Elizabeth, so I shall spare your life." The killer then turned to
the husband and demanded his name. Sweating profusely he replied,
"Phillip... but, but my friends call me Elizabeth!"
Top Of Page
 Strawberries:
Three prisoners on death row are about to be executed. They are asked
what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian asks for a
Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then taken away. The Frenchmen
requests a big juicy Filet Mignon steak, which he is served and also
taken away. The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries. The prison
guards are surprised and reply, "STRAWBERRIES?" "Yes, Strawberries."
"But they are out of season!" "I'll wait..."
Top Of Page
Old Injury: Two
retired cops, who had not seen each other for a while, are approaching
each other on the sidewalk and both are dragging their right foot as
they walk. As they meet, one looks at the other knowingly, points to his
right foot and says, "Happened in a gang shootout, South Bronx, 1999."
The other officer hooks his thumb over his shoulder and says, "Stepped
in dog shit, 20 feet back, watch your step."
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Read All About It:
A new cub reporter for a small town newspaper was writing a column for
the local "Police Blotter." He was covered a story about an attack on a
woman by an escapee from a mental asylum. He returned with the story and
a headline of "Woman raped, mental patient escapes." The editor told him
the headline needed a little punch to grab the reader's attention. After
a while he came back with "Fiend Fucks and Flees." The editor chewed him
out and told him it was a family newspaper and they couldn't possibly
use a headline like that, go back and try again. He rewrote the headline
and came back a few minutes later: "Nut screws and bolts."
Top Of Page
Late for work:
For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9
A.M. on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never
late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without
Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation. All
announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself,
looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and
torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield
bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware
that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of
stairs. Nearly fuckin' killed myself." And the sergeant said, "And to
roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?
Top Of Page
 The
Strip Club: Dave works real hard as a police officer. He
makes tons of felony arrests, puts in a lot of overtime, and then for
some stress relief, he spends most evenings bowling or working out at
the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for
his birthday, she takes him to Scores, a local strip club. The doorman
at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?" Mary is
puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave.
"He works out at the gym with me." "He's also a cop moonlighting as a
bouncer." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his
usual Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must
come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey,
she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A
stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi
Davey," she says, "Catch any bad guys today? Want your usual table dance
officer?" Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam
the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at
him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
bitch tonight, Dave." Top Of Page
 Distraught
Officer: A blonde policewoman came home one day from work and
found her husband in bed with another woman. She was so devastated that
she grabbed he service revolver and put it up to her head threatening to
commit suicide. Her husband in shock screams, "No! No! honey, please
don't do it, I am so sorry!" Then the blonde cop says, "Shut up! You're
next!" Top Of Page
Miracle Piss: Two
nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They
walked to a nearby farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but
the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take
whatever they were offered and returned to their car. Just as they were
pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a
sheriff's car pulled up. He stopped, rolled down his window and said,
"Excuse me, sisters. I don't believe in miracles, but I sure as hell
admire your faith!" "You'll have a nice day now."
Back to Line Up
Eucalyptus Drive:
Emily Sue passed away and Earl called 911. The 911 operator told Earl
that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked
the operator. Earl replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The 911
operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? There was a long pause and
finally Earl said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you
pick her up over there?" Top Of Page
 Your
Wife's Ass: A middle-aged police officer named Frank
(nicknamed Kojak) was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant
ribbing he was taking from the other officers who couldn't resist making
fun of his baldness. One morning in the briefing room, a particularly
brash rookie cop had the gall to run his hand across Frank's gleaming
head while loudly exclaiming to everyone in attendance: "Feels just like
my wife's ass." All the cops chuckled. With a look of genuine curiosity,
officer Frank rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said,
"it does!" Top Of Page
Shell Shock: A
man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car
broadside, and knocked him out cold. A police officer arrived on the
scene almost immediately and pulled him from the wreck and revived him.
He began to put up a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the
paramedics. Later, when he was calm, the cop asked him why he struggled
so much. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a
concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody
was standing in front of the 'S.'" Top Of
Page
Christmas Shopping:
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the
prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping
early your Honor," replied the defendant. "That's no offence," said the
judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store
opened," the prisoner replied. Top Of Page
The Police Dog: A
bloke called Martin, was in his favorite pub and his dog was tied to the
lamp-post outside. A Constable strolled in and said, "Martin, your dog
is in heat." Martin answered, "If you had her coat on, you'd be hot
too!" The Constable said, "I don't mean it like that, I mean she needs
sex!" So Martin says, "Well give it to her then! The missus always
wanted a police dog. Top Of Page
 The
Detective's Son: Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish
boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father, being a
police detective, presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other
side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy, whose father is a
jeweler, receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day in school, the
two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each
boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade. That night,
when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the
watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man. The boy
explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top. "Whatta
you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta
married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife
inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you
watch and say, "How longa you gonna be?" Top
Of Page
Can't Say Tits: A
new deputy for a small town was writing up his first police report one
day following a minor traffic accident. He submitted the following
report to the Sheriff. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today.
She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on both her tits."
The chief scolded the new deputy, saying, "We don't use words like
"tits" when filing a police report. If this got into the papers the town
would have my ass in a sling. Cross that shit out and write something
more appropriate!" The young officer thought long and hard. Finally he
handed the Sheriff the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a
car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with
lacerations on her ( o )( o )." Top Of Page
The Counterfeiter:
A big-city counterfeiter, recently released from prison, decided the
best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick
Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a
tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of
the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for
me, please?" he said. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short
time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya'll want 2
nines or 3 sixes?" Top Of Page
 Three
Dead Cops: Three highly decorated police
officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to
heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket,
and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you
like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to
hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second
police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who
died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear
them say ... Look, He's Moving!" Top Of Page
Poison Mushrooms:
A lifer at a maximum security prison initiated a conversation with his
new cellmate. "Ya know, he started to say, I was married 3 times"
explained the con to the new fish, and I'll probably never marry again.
My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of
a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said the new prisoner, "How did it
happen?" "She wouldn't eat the fuckin' mushrooms."
Top Of Page
 Meal
Break: Two police officers went into a local diner while on
break and ordered two sodas. Not having put that much OT in, they each
brought their own sandwiches from home and started to eat. The owner
became quite concerned and quickly marched over and told them, "Look,
I'll let you guys have a meal on the house every now and then because my
customers feel safe when you're around, but you can't eat your own
sandwiches in here!" The cops looked at each other, shrugged their
shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. Top
Of Page
 Too
Many Donuts: A young NYPD police officer was having his
annual departmental physical and was very embarrassed because of his
weight problem. "I'm so ashamed, doctor," he said, "I've been eating way
too many donuts lately. Every time I stop at Dunkin Donuts, the girl
there gives me and my partner and extra free donut. I guess I kind of
let myself go a little." The police physician was checking his eyes and
ears. "Don't feel ashamed, you don't look that bad." "Do you really
think so, Doc?" he asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of
his face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say "Moo!"
Top Of Page
School Incident:
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, a
policeman was interrupted by a cute little girl about six years old.
Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a policeman?"
"Yes," he answered, and continued writing the report. "My mother said,
if I ever needed help I should ask policeman. Is that right?" "Yes,
that's right," he said. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot
toward him, "Would you please tie my shoe for me?"
Top Of Page
Special Donuts:
My partner Bob, an overweight police officer, decided it was time to
shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet very seriously, even
changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning,
however, he arrived at the stationhouse with a box of a dozen Dunkin
Donuts. We all scolded him, including the sarge, but his smile remained
cherubic. "These are very special donuts," officer Bob explained. "I
accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window
was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord,
if you want me to have one of those delicious donuts, let me have a
parking place directly in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he
continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
Back to Line Up
Drunk Kid: Two
cops on patrol spotted a five-year-old boy playing on his front lawn and
drinking a beer. They pulled the car over and approached the little boy.
"Are your parents home lad?" "Yep," was his reply. "Aren't you a little
young to be drinking, son?" the other officer asked. "That's nothing,"
the kid said after taking a couple of swigs of beer. "I got laid when I
was three." "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I was too
drunk." Top Of Page
Great Excuse: A
man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the highway for a nice
evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was
left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up
to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened
her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the
situation hit him. What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled
over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and
examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my
shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if
you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before,
you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife
ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer. Top
Of Page
Target Practice:
Bob, not the brightest rookie at the police academy, was at the pistol
range. He was given some instruction, a pistol, and bullets. He fired
several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that
all attempts had completely missed the target. Bob looked at his weapon
and then at the target again. He looked at the pistol again, and then at
the target again. He put his finger over the end of the gun barrel and
squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was
blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving
here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
Top Of Page
Porky: A cute
little girl was leading her dog through the park when a friendly police
officer on patrol stopped her, saying, "That sure is a pretty dress
you're wearing little lady." The little girl smiled and said, "Thank
you, officer. My mama bought it for me. This is my dog Porky." The
police man chuckled. "I'll bet I can guess why you call him that." She
shook her little head. "I'll bet you can't." He laughed and said, "You
called him Porky because he's so fat.." She shook her head. "Oh no sir,
we call him that because he fucks pigs." Top
Of Page
Police Report:
Nine ways NOT to start your police report: 1) It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times ... 2) The names contained in this report
have been changed to protect the innocent ... 3) The mayor then made an
illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire
... 4) Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs" for
my homeys in the command staff ... 5) It was so dark and wet that night
you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie
silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd
lost my mind ... 6) Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end. 7)
Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly... 8)
The suspect then tried to assualt me by repeatedly slamming his face
into my fist ... 9) A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...
Top Of Page
Bessie the Mule:
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In
court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?," questioned
the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I
had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask
for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did
you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!" Farmer Joe said,
"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the
road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the
Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the
lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule
Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran
the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into
one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad
and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly
after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at
her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked down
at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How
are you feeling?" Now, after what he'd done to my mule, do you think i
was going to tell him the truth? Top Of Page
Legal Drinking Age:
The Tennessee Police Department has issued notices to all liquor stores
that they have raised the minimum drinking age in that state to 32? It
seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Top Of Page
Steering Problem:
A policeman noticed a car swerving all over the road and proceeded to
pull the vehicle over. He could tell the guy was obviously drunk because
of the strong alcohol smell on his breath while he was asking for his
license and registration. The cop said, "Okay! out of the car buddy,
you're drunk!" The driver said, slurring his words, "Thank goodness for
that, I thought my steering had gone on me."
Top Of Page
 Buckle Up: An
off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a
school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went
off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the
radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He
did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer
thought. A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he discovered three traffic tickets--each for not wearing a seat belt!
Top Of Page
Son-of-a-bitch: A
group of nuns were traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got
out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't
really know how. Luckily, a state trooper came along and offered to
change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trooper jacked up
the car, it slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch!" The
eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that
you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister", he
said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his
fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled again. "Please, don't use such
language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be
better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it just comes
out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset,
something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me." So the state trooper tried to
jack up the car again. And again it slipped. He started to say "Son.."
but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus, help me." At that, the
car miraculously rose into the air all by itself. The nuns looked at the
car in wonder, exclaiming, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
Top Of Page
The New Honda: A
biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he
knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes ?"
Biker: "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" Driver: "No I haven't" The
Biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks
on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?" Biker:
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" Driver: "No I haven't" Then suddenly
there is a curve, the Biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road
into a ditch. A motorcycle cop, alerted by some other motorists, pulls
over and runs to the unlucky Biker. Covered in blood and surely dying,
the Biker asks: "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" "Yes I have. When I'm
not on this police Harley I ride a Honda." The Biker asks: Where are the
fuckin' brakes?" Top Of Page
The Hitman: There
were these friends who played golf together every Saturday. One Saturday
they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he
could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the
guy and said, "Sure." So they teed off. About two holes into the game,
the friends got curious about what the guy did for a living. So they
asked him. The stranger told them he was a hitman. The friends all
laughed. The guy said, "No really, I'm a hitman. My gun is in my golf
bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you'd like." So
one of the friends decided to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure
enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached it. He got all
excited and said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I
look?" The hit man replied, "Sure." So the guy looked for a second and
said, "YEAH! I can see my house! I can even see through the windows into
my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's
my next-door neighbor! And he's naked too!" This really upset the guy,
so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman
replied, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The guy responded,
"One thousand dollars? Well, okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot
my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand
it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for
screwing around with my wife." The hit man agreed. He geared up and
looked through the scope. He was looking for about five minutes until
finally the man started to get really impatient and asked, "What are you
waiting for?" The hitman replied, "Just hold on ... I'm about to save
you a thousand bucks!" Top Of Page
Leroy: A woman
goes into a local police station to report one of her children missing.
The detective asks her a series of routine missing child questions then
proceeds to ask the child's name. "Leroy" she responds. "Do you have any
other children Miss?" "Yes, ten other boys" she responds. "And what are
their names?" "Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy,
Leroy, and Leroy" "All your sons are named Leroy? Why on earth would you
name them all Leroy?" "She says, "Well that way, when I want them to
come in from the yard I just yell LEROY, and when I want them to come to
dinner I just yell LEROY!" "Well" asks the detective, "What if you just
want a particular one of them to do something?" "Then I call him by his
last name," she answers. Top Of Page
Drivers License:
Trucker Bob took a day off work and went into town to get his CDL
driver's license renewed at the local Motor Vehicle Bureau, and as
usual, it was jam packed. The line inched along for almost two hours
until he finally got his license. Before leaving the window he inspected
his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "Ya know, I was
standing in this freakin' line so long, I ended up looking pretty damn
grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely, and
reassured him, "It's okay Bob. That's exactly how you're going to look
when the cops pull you over anyway." Top Of
Page
 Famous Chinese Detective:
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So he hired a famous
Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any
activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this
report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He
and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and
she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play
with me. Fall out of tree, not see. Top Of
Page
Missing Husband:
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The
officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned
her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if
they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come
after all." Top Of Page
Masturbating Democrat:
A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered she yelled,
"Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat
on my front porch and he's playing with himself." "What?" the operator
exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing
with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please
send the police!" the little old lady said. "Well, now, how do you know
he's a Democrat??" "Because, you damn fool, if he were a Republican,
he'd be screwing somebody!" Top Of Page
Job Opening:
Slim, not the brightest light in the harbor, walked into the local post
office and noticed a new sign on the wall. Word for word he slowly read
it out loud: "MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN CALIFORNIA." "Gosh," he said,
"if that there job was only here in TEXAS, I'd apply fer it."
Top Of Page
Bank Robbery: A
armed man walks into a local bank an announces a stick-up. An alert
teller hits the silent alarm and the police arrive in minutes. A
struggle with the police ensues and in his haste to get away he fires
three shots. Unfortunately, all three shots hit a pregnant woman in the
stomach. They rush her to the hospital. The doctor said she was fine and
she was having triplets, but each will have a bullet in them and they
will pass it in due time. - Anyway, she successfully gave birth to 2
girls and 1 boy. 12 years later the first daughter runs in and screams
"Mama, while I was peeing I passed a bullet!" The mother told her she
was fine and told her the story. The next day the second daughter comes
running in screaming "Mama, while I was peeing I passed a bullet!" The
mother said she was fine and told her the story. The next day her son
comes running in screaming but this time she interrupts before he can
say anything and says "I know, you were peeing and passed a bullet."
"No," the son replies "I was behind the barn jacking off and I shot the
dog!" Top Of Page
Bad Manners: The
other day my partner and I walked into the local bakery at the end of
our tour and there were two donuts left, a big one and a little one. I,
without hesitation, picked up the big donut. My partner then comments,
"Hey! that's very selfish of you. You didn't even ask if I wanted the
big one!" So I replied "Which one would you have chosen?" He said "The
little one, of course!" And I replied: "So what the fuck are you moaning
about, I left it for you!" Top Of Page
Heart Attack: A
radio car received a call to respond to the home of an elderly couple
for an apparent heart attack victim. When they got there, it was too
late, the man had died. While consoling his wife, the officer noticed
that the bed was a mess. The cop asked if her husband had any displayed
any symptoms or if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The wife
answered, "Well, we were in bed making love and he started moaning and
groaning and thrashing around the bed, panting and sweating. I was
hoping he was coming but I guess he was going."
Top Of Page
Hard of Hearing:
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, the woman was driving. She
gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "ma'am did you
know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks "What
did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The
patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband
and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR
LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see
you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex
with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks
"What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
Top Of Page
Blue Jerk: One
afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and
relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red
standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop. The guy
rolls down the window and says, "How can I help you?" "I am the red jerk
of the highway. You got something to eat?" With a smile in his face, the
guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five
minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in
yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop. A bit
irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, "What can I
do for you?" "I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to
drink?" Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of
Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to
the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no
matter what. To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the
road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop.
Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his
window, and yells, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway,
and just what the hell do you wanna have?" "Your driver's license and
registration, please." Top Of Page
Where's My Car: A
drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into
then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and
stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk. "I'm
looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies. "So how does
feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager. "well," replies
the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the
roof!". Top Of Page
Holy Water: A
church minister is driving down to Coral Springs, Florida on I95 when
he's stopped for speeding. The Highway Patrol Officer smells alcohol on
his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he
says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just
water." The Officer says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister
looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
Top Of Page
Potato Sacks: A
brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a
police officer walked in the store. The three women decide to hide in
three potato sacks. The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says,
"meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat" He kicks the second bag, and
the redhead says, "woof, woof." The cop says, "its only a dog." He kicks
the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato."
Top Of Page
Scrambled Eggs:
Two police officers were standing outside their favorite eatery when
they see a sign in the window that read "Unique Breakfast" so they
walked in and sat down. The waitress brought them their regular coffee
and donut breakfast and asked them if they would like anything else to
eat. "What's your Unique Breakfast Sally?" asked one of the officers
inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked
tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how
disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that
came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked,
"What would you like then?" "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the
officer replied. Top Of Page
Missing Baby: A
woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A cop was approaching from about a block away,
thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that
woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got closer, it became
apparent that she really was hanging out. When the officer got face to
face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you
for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" the woman asked. "Well," said
the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse." The
woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the
baby on the bus!" Top Of Page
Where y'all from:
A Texas State Trooper pulls over a speeding car with a pretty blonde at
the wheel. The trooper, being in a rather good mood that day, approached
the vehicle and said, "Howdy mam, where y'all from?" The irritated New
York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a
preposition at the end of a sentence." The Texas trooper thought quietly
for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from..., bitch?"
Top Of Page
Dead Elephant:
Three men decided they wanted to rob a bank, but they wanted to find a
clever and original way to do it. After racking their brains they came
up with a plan to rob the 1st National Bank using an elephant. So they
got an elephant. At the heist, everyone is impressed with these men who
are so cleverly using an elephant in a robbery. However, they had only
gotten two blocks away when the police arrived at the scene of the crime
and ordered them to stop, which they did not do. The police fired their
weapons and the elephant fell over, dead. The three thieves came back
and stood over the body of their fallen comrade, in tears. "No!" they
cried. "Why HIM? It shoulda been me instead." One of the police
officers, dumbfounded, walked up to them and asked, "What's going on
here? You might still have gotten away with the money. Instead you all
stop and practically give yourselves up, just because of an ELEPHANT."
One of the bank robbers answered him, "You don't understand, sir. You
couldn't possibly understand. You have no idea the trouble we had
getting the stocking over his head." Top Of
Page
Fluctuations: A
vacationing Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City
with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following day, he walked in
with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66 this time. Feeling like he had
been ripped off, he went and found a policeman and told him what had
happened. The police officer sympathized with him and accompanied him
back to the currency exchange. They both went up to the same teller and
the Asian man proceeded to ask why he got less money today than he did
yesterday. The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed
out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Well,
Fluck you Americans, too!" Top Of Page
Pain in the Neck:
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver
was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.
Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive
anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." After thinking for a while
he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting
him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb
and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them
what happened. The police asked him, "are either of them showing any
life signs?" The farmer said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned
his head around the right way." Top Of Page
The Chief's Brain:
It seems there was a woman who received some bad news. Her husband had
been in an automobile accident and was brain dead. The doctor told her
some good news, though. They had perfected their brain transplant
technique and that she was lucky there were three fresh brains in the
brain bank from which to choose. A large explosion had killed a
policeman, a captain and a chief. Having insurance, she requested the
cost for each of the brains. The policeman's brain was $10,000, the
captain's brain was $50,000 and the chief's was a $100,000! Curious, she
asked why the chief's brain was so much more expensive. The reply....
"you see the chief's brain has never been used!"
Top Of Page
Two Blondes: Two
blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the
robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffy, in great
detail. The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops
the car and says to Buffy, "I want to make absolutely sure you
understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no
more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffy. Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the
getaway car. One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven
minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out. Finally, the bank
doors burst open! And here comes Buffy. She's got a safe wrapped up in
rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in
the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security
guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his
ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy
says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!" Buffy
said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!" "No, you idiot," said
Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the
SAFE!" Top Of Page
Good Detective:
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were
training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a
suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then
hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first
blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has
one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture
shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he
flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde
giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because
he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter
with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because
it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the
third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a
stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment
and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised
and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect
wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here
for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on
that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's
file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Top Of Page
Police Jokes: Page 1
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