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Police Jokes

Last Updated: Sunday, December 18, 2011

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Police Jokes: Page 1 | Page 2 Newest Jokes

Police Jokes

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The Blonde Cop: A blonde in a convertible is speeding down the highway when she gets pulled over by a female police officer, who also turns out to be a blonde. She walks up to the convertible and asks to see the blonde's drivers license. Confused, the blonde asks, "What does a license look like?" Eager to help, the officer happily responds, "It's that thing in your purse with your face on it." The blonde begins searching through her purse and finally pulls out a mirror. She flips it open, sees her own reflection and figures that must be it. After handing it over to the officer, the officer carefully looks at it says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!" Top Of Page

You're Going To Get Screwed: It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were you trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed... so we're just waiting. Top Of Page

Good News, Bad News: "I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client." "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene." "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140." Top Of Page

 

The Good Partner: The patrolman had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his partner of 20 years stood by his side every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for him to come nearer. As he sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. Every time I got brought up on departmental charges, you were there to support and cover me. The three times I got shot during those narcotics busts, you were there. When I got kicked off the force and lost my house, you were there for me. When my wife left me, you were still by my side. You know what? "What?" He gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're fuckin' bad luck!!"  Top Of Page 

Parking Tickets: I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn -- my car was parked around the corner.  Top Of Page

No Charge: Policeman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night." Man: "What's the charge officer?" Policeman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service. Top Of Page

No Name: A blonde is driving around in her red sports car and suddenly gets pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches the car holding the ticket and pen ready and says: "Young lady, you've been driving almost double the speed limit. Give me your name please." "Hmmph!" - says the blonde looking very irritated "thats just great... And what am I going to be called then?!"  Top Of Page

Nobody Available: I was going to bed the other night when my neighbor called me and told me that I had left my shed light on. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in my shed taking things to their truck. I quickly phoned the Osceola County Sheriff's Office, but they told me that no one was in this area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they would be available. A bit miffed, I said OK, hung up, and waited just one minute, Then phoned the Sheriff's Office right back. I said: "Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed stealing from me. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've shot every last one of them!" Then magically within a very few moments there were half a dozen sheriff cars in my yard, an Armed Response Unit and a Police dog ..... the works! Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers came over to me and said in a gruff and very demeaning manner, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" I replied with: I THOUGHT YOU SAID... THERE WAS NOBODY AVAILABLE!  Top Of Page

Guns & Sex: There are three cops that go to the same bar after work every night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie. One night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the third one comes into the bar with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. The other two cops ask him, "Why are you so happy?" He tells them, "Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I had my service revolver cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to come, I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time." The next night, the other veteran comes into the bar with a shit-eating grin on his face and tells the other veteran, "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to come, I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great." The next night, the two veterans see the rookie come into the bar, pissed as hell, kicking chairs as he makes his way over to them. The rookie says, "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! The bitch almost bit off my fucking dick and she shit in my face!*!*!" Top Of Page

Fido: Crying her eyes out, the blonde approached the policeman and said that her dog, Fido, was lost. When he suggested that she put an ad in the paper, the blonde replied, "Well, I thought of that officer, but then I remembered that dear little Fido can't read." Top Of Page

 

The 911 Call: A couple of West Virginia hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." ... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?" Top Of Page

Mother Nature: A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the lady's room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."  Top Of Page

Shooting Cans: Police were summoned to a small gun shop when the owner became suspicious of one of his customers. "This redneck guy walks in here and buys a box of high gauge ammo," he tells police. "The following week he comes back in here and buys another box of ammo. This goes on for three weeks. The next time he comes in my store I asked him what he's shooting at because there's nothing in season right now. He says "Oh, I'm just shooting cans." "Beer cans!" I remark. "No Sir!" he replies, "I'm shooting me some Mexicans, Africans, Puerto Ricans, don't matter me none." Top Of Page

In Too Far: A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go up to the road and get help," he said. "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a police car. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, the officer pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The officer, looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner! Top Of Page

New Police Mechanic: It was Bob's, the new mechanic for the neighborhood police department, first day on the job. The Sarge told him to fix the flashers because they weren't working. Try as he could he could not get the flashers to work properly so he brought the patrol car to a local garage to have it repaired. Later in the day the Sarge returns to pick up the cruiser and asks Bob "Everything working okay with the car now?" "Yep! I had to bring it into town though and was worried that the mechanic there might try to rip me off." "Well?" asked the Sarge. "I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid." Top Of Page

Body in the Trunk: A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owners' card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too. Top Of Page

Boots for sale: There's the sad story of the poor motorcycle policeman who was in a terrible accident. When he came out from under the anesthesia, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously. "Son," he said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. "The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident, and I'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle." "Jesus," gasped the officer. "What's the good news?" "The fellow in the next bed over there would like to buy those nice shiny boots of yours." Top Of Page

Prison Fly: A prisoner at the Edmonton Maximum Security Prison, doing 40 to life, started training a large fly to do tricks. For years and years, day and night, for thousands of hours, he worked with the tiny insect. After 5 years he taught it to walk across a miniature high wire. Another 5 years passed and he taught it to ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. "When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly. "we're going to tour the night-spots and make a fortune." Finally the day arrived. With the fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a local bar to celebrate and show off his new talented friend. Once seated at the bar, he brought out his trick fly and placed it on the bar counter. On cue, it started moon walking. "What about this fly, eh?" he pointed out to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the local newspaper, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere." Top Of Page

White Collar Crime: The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too." "Well, that's a relief." sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading." "Oh nothing fancy like that for me." grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests." Top Of Page

Who's The Father: A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight. "Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe. After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father." The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about." Top Of Page

Sergeant Friday: My name is Sergeant Friday. I work on Tuesday. Tuesday is my partner. One night we went to a party. On our way there, we had a flat tire. I jacked, she pumped; I jacked, she pumped; Then she got out of the car to fix the tire. When we got to the party, we all felt merry. Merry got mad and left. We all jumped for Joy. Joy got mad and left too. Then a lady jumped out of the party cake. We all had a piece. Then we had some cake. I dropped my keys under the couch. I felt, she felt; I felt, she felt; Then I looked under the couch for the keys. Then I took her home and we sat on the porch. Someone threw a rock and hit her on the tit. Broke three of my fingers. I was gonna kiss her goodnight but she closed her legs and broke my glasses. Then her dad came out and told me to beat it. So I did; Then I left. Top Of Page

Good Nights Sleep: Officer Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for duty. The Sergeant was getting increasingly mad at him and threatened to discipline him severely if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Sarge", he said, "I went to the doctor and he gave me a pill that actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the Sergeant, "But where the fuck were you yesterday?" Top Of Page

Sick Leave: Negotiations between the (PBA) patrolman's union and the city were at an impasse. The union denied that the cops were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the city's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This policeman," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill cop, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!" Top Of Page

The Irishman: An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were sent to prison and were each sentenced to 10 years in solitary confinement. Before they were locked in their cells, they were each told that they could take one thing with them. The Englishman chose a woman, the Scottish man chose a crate of whiskey and the Irishman chose a carton of cigarettes. The 10 years passed, and the day came for them to be released. The Englishman was first and he emerged beaming from ear to ear having been quite satisfied with the woman that had been provided. Next was the Scottish man, who had to be helped out (as we know, the Scots have trouble holding their liquor :-). Finally, they opened the Irishman's cell. The Irishman, looking rather puzzled, popped his head out and asked "Anyone got a match?" !! Top Of Page

FBI Raid: "Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call and the tip sir." The next day, FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open Every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!" Top Of Page

Stolen Cop Car: Two cops, Ben and Earl, pull up to a Burger King on a meal break. They go inside and Earl holds a spot while Ben places the order at the counter. Earl looks out the window, notices someone taking off with their police cruiser and runs outside. Ben, hearing all the commotion, runs outside and asks Earl what happened. "Ben! Ben! Someone just drove off with our cruiser!" "Did you try to stop him?" Ben asked, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!" Top Of Page

Elizabeth: A married couple was sleeping when they heard loud noises coming from downstairs. They immediately called 911. But before the police could arrive a violent serial killer entered their bedroom. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?" "Elizabeth," the woman whimpered. The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I shall spare your life." The killer then turned to the husband and demanded his name. Sweating profusely he replied, "Phillip... but, but my friends call me Elizabeth!" Top Of Page

Strawberries: Three prisoners on death row are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian asks for a Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then taken away. The Frenchmen requests a big juicy Filet Mignon steak, which he is served and also taken away. The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries. The prison guards are surprised and reply, "STRAWBERRIES?" "Yes, Strawberries." "But they are out of season!" "I'll wait..." Top Of Page

 

 

 

Old Injury: Two retired cops, who had not seen each other for a while, are approaching each other on the sidewalk and both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one looks at the other knowingly, points to his right foot and says, "Happened in a gang shootout, South Bronx, 1999." The other officer hooks his thumb over his shoulder and says, "Stepped in dog shit, 20 feet back, watch your step." Top Of Page

Read All About It: A new cub reporter for a small town newspaper was writing a column for the local "Police Blotter." He was covered a story about an attack on a woman by an escapee from a mental asylum. He returned with the story and a headline of "Woman raped, mental patient escapes." The editor told him the headline needed a little punch to grab the reader's attention. After a while he came back with "Fiend Fucks and Flees." The editor chewed him out and told him it was a family newspaper and they couldn't possibly use a headline like that, go back and try again. He rewrote the headline and came back a few minutes later: "Nut screws and bolts." Top Of Page

Late for work: For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A.M. on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation. All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly fuckin' killed myself." And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour? Top Of Page

The Strip Club: Dave works real hard as a police officer. He makes tons of felony arrests, puts in a lot of overtime, and then for some stress relief, he spends most evenings bowling or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to Scores, a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?" Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me." "He's also a cop moonlighting as a bouncer." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Catch any bad guys today? Want your usual table dance officer?" Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave." Top Of Page

Distraught Officer: A blonde policewoman came home one day from work and found her husband in bed with another woman. She was so devastated that she grabbed he service revolver and put it up to her head threatening to commit suicide. Her husband in shock screams, "No! No! honey, please don't do it, I am so sorry!" Then the blonde cop says, "Shut up! You're next!" Top Of Page

 

Miracle Piss: Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a nearby farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car. Just as they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a sheriff's car pulled up. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I don't believe in miracles, but I sure as hell admire your faith!" "You'll have a nice day now." Back to Line Up

Eucalyptus Drive: Emily Sue passed away and Earl called 911. The 911 operator told Earl that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Earl replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The 911 operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? There was a long pause and finally Earl said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up over there?" Top Of Page

Your Wife's Ass: A middle-aged police officer named Frank (nicknamed Kojak) was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the other officers who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning in the briefing room, a particularly brash rookie cop had the gall to run his hand across Frank's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming to everyone in attendance: "Feels just like my wife's ass." All the cops chuckled. With a look of genuine curiosity, officer Frank rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!" Top Of Page

Shell Shock: A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A police officer arrived on the scene almost immediately and pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began to put up a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the paramedics. Later, when he was calm, the cop asked him why he struggled so much. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'" Top Of Page 

Christmas Shopping: It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early your Honor," replied the defendant. "That's no offence," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," the prisoner replied. Top Of Page

The Police Dog: A bloke called Martin, was in his favorite pub and his dog was tied to the lamp-post outside. A Constable strolled in and said, "Martin, your dog is in heat." Martin answered, "If you had her coat on, you'd be hot too!" The Constable said, "I don't mean it like that, I mean she needs sex!" So Martin says, "Well give it to her then! The missus always wanted a police dog. Top Of Page

The Detective's Son: Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father, being a police detective, presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy, whose father is a jeweler, receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade. That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, "How longa you gonna be?" Top Of Page

Can't Say Tits: A new deputy for a small town was writing up his first police report one day following a minor traffic accident. He submitted the following report to the Sheriff. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on both her tits." The chief scolded the new deputy, saying, "We don't use words like "tits" when filing a police report. If this got into the papers the town would have my ass in a sling. Cross that shit out and write something more appropriate!" The young officer thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Sheriff the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( o )( o )." Top Of Page

The Counterfeiter: A big-city counterfeiter, recently released from prison, decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines or 3 sixes?" Top Of Page

Three Dead Cops: Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!" Top Of Page

Poison Mushrooms: A lifer at a maximum security prison initiated a conversation with his new cellmate. "Ya know, he started to say, I was married 3 times" explained the con to the new fish, and I'll probably never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said the new prisoner, "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the fuckin' mushrooms." Top Of Page

Meal Break: Two police officers went into a local diner while on break and ordered two sodas. Not having put that much OT in, they each brought their own sandwiches from home and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and quickly marched over and told them, "Look, I'll let you guys have a meal on the house every now and then because my customers feel safe when you're around, but you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The cops looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. Top Of Page

Too Many Donuts: A young NYPD police officer was having his annual departmental physical and was very embarrassed because of his weight problem. "I'm so ashamed, doctor," he said, "I've been eating way too many donuts lately. Every time I stop at Dunkin Donuts, the girl there gives me and my partner and extra free donut. I guess I kind of let myself go a little." The police physician was checking his eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, you don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doc?" he asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of his face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say "Moo!" Top Of Page

School Incident: While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, a policeman was interrupted by a cute little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a policeman?" "Yes," he answered, and continued writing the report. "My mother said, if I ever needed help I should ask policeman. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," he said. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward him, "Would you please tie my shoe for me?" Top Of Page

Special Donuts: My partner Bob, an overweight police officer, decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet very seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at the stationhouse with a box of a dozen Dunkin Donuts. We all scolded him, including the sarge, but his smile remained cherubic. "These are very special donuts," officer Bob explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious donuts, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!" Back to Line Up

Drunk Kid: Two cops on patrol spotted a five-year-old boy playing on his front lawn and drinking a beer. They pulled the car over and approached the little boy. "Are your parents home lad?" "Yep," was his reply. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" the other officer asked. "That's nothing," the kid said after taking a couple of swigs of beer. "I got laid when I was three." "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I was too drunk." Top Of Page

Great Excuse:  A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. Top Of Page

Target Practice: Bob, not the brightest rookie at the police academy, was at the pistol range. He was given some instruction, a pistol, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. Bob looked at his weapon and then at the target again. He looked at the pistol again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the gun barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!" Top Of Page

Porky: A cute little girl was leading her dog through the park when a friendly police officer on patrol stopped her, saying, "That sure is a pretty dress you're wearing little lady." The little girl smiled and said, "Thank you, officer. My mama bought it for me. This is my dog Porky." The police man chuckled. "I'll bet I can guess why you call him that." She shook her little head. "I'll bet you can't." He laughed and said, "You called him Porky because he's so fat.." She shook her head. "Oh no sir, we call him that because he fucks pigs." Top Of Page

Police Report: Nine ways NOT to start your police report: 1) It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...  2) The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...  3) The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ...  4) Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs" for my homeys in the command staff ...  5) It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...  6) Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.  7) Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly...  8) The suspect then tried to assualt me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ... 9) A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ... Top Of Page

Bessie the Mule: Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?," questioned the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked down at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" Now, after what he'd done to my mule, do you think i was going to tell him the truth? Top Of Page

Legal Drinking Age: The Tennessee Police Department has issued notices to all liquor stores that they have raised the minimum drinking age in that state to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools! Top Of Page

Steering Problem: A policeman noticed a car swerving all over the road and proceeded to pull the vehicle over. He could tell the guy was obviously drunk because of the strong alcohol smell on his breath while he was asking for his license and registration. The cop said, "Okay! out of the car buddy, you're drunk!" The driver said, slurring his words, "Thank goodness for that, I thought my steering had gone on me." Top Of Page

Buckle Up: An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. "This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought. A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets--each for not wearing a seat belt! Top Of Page

Son-of-a-bitch: A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't really know how. Luckily, a state trooper came along and offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trooper jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch!" The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled again. "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it just comes out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me." So the state trooper tried to jack up the car again. And again it slipped. He started to say "Son.." but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus, help me." At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself. The nuns looked at the car in wonder, exclaiming, "Son-of-a-bitch!" Top Of Page

The New Honda: A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes ?" Biker: "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" Driver: "No I haven't" The Biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?" Biker: "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" Driver: "No I haven't" Then suddenly there is a curve, the Biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A motorcycle cop, alerted by some other motorists,  pulls over and runs to the unlucky Biker. Covered in blood and surely dying, the Biker asks: "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" "Yes I have. When I'm not on this police Harley I ride a Honda." The Biker asks: Where are the fuckin' brakes?" Top Of Page

The Hitman: There were these friends who played golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the guy and said, "Sure." So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the guy did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them he was a hitman. The friends all laughed. The guy said, "No really, I'm a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you'd like." So one of the friends decided to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached it. He got all excited and said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit man replied, "Sure." So the guy looked for a second and said, "YEAH! I can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next-door neighbor! And he's naked too!" This really upset the guy, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replied, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The guy responded, "One thousand dollars? Well, okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife." The hit man agreed. He geared up and looked through the scope. He was looking for about five minutes until finally the man started to get really impatient and asked, "What are you waiting for?" The hitman replied, "Just hold on ... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!" Top Of Page

Leroy: A woman goes into a local police station to report one of her children missing. The detective asks her a series of routine missing child questions then proceeds to ask the child's name. "Leroy" she responds. "Do you have any other children Miss?" "Yes, ten other boys" she responds. "And what are their names?" "Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy" "All your sons are named Leroy? Why on earth would you name them all Leroy?" "She says, "Well that way, when I want them to come in from the yard I just yell LEROY, and when I want them to come to dinner I just yell LEROY!" "Well" asks the detective, "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?" "Then I call him by his last name," she answers. Top Of Page

Drivers License: Trucker Bob took a day off work and went into town to get his CDL driver's license renewed at the local Motor Vehicle Bureau, and as usual, it was jam packed. The line inched along for almost two hours until he finally got his license. Before leaving the window he inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "Ya know, I was standing in this freakin' line so long, I ended up looking pretty damn grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay Bob. That's exactly how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway." Top Of Page

Famous Chinese Detective: A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. Top Of Page

 

Missing Husband: A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all." Top Of Page

Masturbating Democrat: A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered she yelled, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself." "What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady said. "Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat??" "Because, you damn fool, if he were a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!" Top Of Page

Job Opening: Slim, not the brightest light in the harbor,  walked into the local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall. Word for word he slowly read it out loud: "MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN CALIFORNIA." "Gosh," he said, "if that there job was only here in TEXAS,  I'd apply fer it." Top Of Page

Bank Robbery: A armed man walks into a local bank an announces a stick-up. An alert teller hits the silent alarm and the police arrive in minutes. A struggle with the police ensues and in his haste to get away he fires three shots. Unfortunately, all three shots hit a pregnant woman in the stomach. They rush her to the hospital. The doctor said she was fine and she was having triplets, but each will have a bullet in them and they will pass it in due time. - Anyway, she successfully gave birth to 2 girls and 1 boy. 12 years later the first daughter runs in and screams "Mama, while I was peeing I passed a bullet!" The mother told her she was fine and told her the story. The next day the second daughter comes running in screaming "Mama, while I was peeing I passed a bullet!" The mother said she was fine and told her the story. The next day her son comes running in screaming but this time she interrupts before he can say anything and says "I know, you were peeing and passed a bullet." "No," the son replies "I was behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog!" Top Of Page

Bad Manners: The other day my partner and I walked into the local bakery at the end of our tour and there were two donuts left, a big one and a little one. I, without hesitation, picked up the big donut. My partner then comments, "Hey! that's very selfish of you. You didn't even ask if I wanted the big one!" So I replied "Which one would you have chosen?" He said "The little one, of course!" And I replied: "So what the fuck are you moaning about, I left it for you!" Top Of Page

Heart Attack: A radio car received a call to respond to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack victim. When they got there, it was too late, the man had died. While consoling his wife, the officer noticed that the bed was a mess. The cop asked if her husband had any displayed any symptoms or if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The wife answered, "Well, we were in bed making love and he started moaning and groaning and thrashing around the bed, panting and sweating. I was hoping he was coming but I guess he was going." Top Of Page

Hard of Hearing: An elderly couple was driving cross-country, the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU." Top Of Page

Blue Jerk: One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop. The guy rolls down the window and says, "How can I help you?" "I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?" With a smile in his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop. A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, "What can I do for you?" "I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?" Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna have?" "Your driver's license and registration, please." Top Of Page

Where's My Car: A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies. "So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager. "well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!". Top Of Page

Holy Water: A church minister is driving down to Coral Springs, Florida on I95 when he's stopped for speeding. The Highway Patrol Officer smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just water." The Officer says, "Then why do I smell wine?"  And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!" Top Of Page

Potato Sacks: A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store. The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks. The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat" He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof." The cop says, "its only a dog." He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato." Top Of Page

Scrambled Eggs: Two police officers were standing outside their favorite eatery when they see a sign in the window that read "Unique Breakfast" so they walked in and sat down. The waitress brought them their regular coffee and donut breakfast and asked them if they would like anything else to eat. "What's your Unique Breakfast Sally?" asked one of the officers inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?" "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the officer replied. Top Of Page

Missing Baby: A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out. When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" the woman asked. "Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse." The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the bus!" Top Of Page

Where y'all from: A Texas State Trooper pulls over a speeding car with a pretty blonde at the wheel. The trooper, being in a rather good mood that day, approached the vehicle and said, "Howdy mam, where y'all from?" The irritated New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The Texas trooper thought quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from..., bitch?" Top Of Page

Dead Elephant: Three men decided they wanted to rob a bank, but they wanted to find a clever and original way to do it. After racking their brains they came up with a plan to rob the 1st National Bank using an elephant. So they got an elephant. At the heist, everyone is impressed with these men who are so cleverly using an elephant in a robbery. However, they had only gotten two blocks away when the police arrived at the scene of the crime and ordered them to stop, which they did not do. The police fired their weapons and the elephant fell over, dead. The three thieves came back and stood over the body of their fallen comrade, in tears. "No!" they cried. "Why HIM? It shoulda been me instead." One of the police officers, dumbfounded, walked up to them and asked, "What's going on here? You might still have gotten away with the money. Instead you all stop and practically give yourselves up, just because of an ELEPHANT." One of the bank robbers answered him, "You don't understand, sir. You couldn't possibly understand. You have no idea the trouble we had getting the stocking over his head." Top Of Page

Fluctuations: A vacationing Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following day, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66 this time. Feeling like he had been ripped off, he went and found a policeman and told him what had happened. The police officer sympathized with him and accompanied him back to the currency exchange. They both went up to the same teller and the Asian man proceeded to ask why he got less money today than he did yesterday. The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Well, Fluck you Americans, too!" Top Of Page

Pain in the Neck: There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons. Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened. The police asked him, "are either of them showing any life signs?" The farmer said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way." Top Of Page

The Chief's Brain: It seems there was a woman who received some bad news. Her husband had been in an automobile accident and was brain dead. The doctor told her some good news, though. They had perfected their brain transplant technique and that she was lucky there were three fresh brains in the brain bank from which to choose. A large explosion had killed a policeman, a captain and a chief. Having insurance, she requested the cost for each of the brains. The policeman's brain was $10,000, the captain's brain was $50,000 and the chief's was a $100,000! Curious, she asked why the chief's brain was so much more expensive. The reply.... "you see the chief's brain has never been used!" Top Of Page

Two Blondes: Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffy, in great detail. The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly," said Buffy. Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!" Buffy said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!" "No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!" Top Of Page

Good Detective: A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear." Top Of Page

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