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 Deputy
Saves Life Of Off Duty LAPD Captain...
An off-duty LAPD Captain assigned to Newton Division
narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he attempted horseback
riding with no prior experience. He mounted the horse, unassisted, and
the horse immediately began moving. As it galloped along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, the officer began to slip sideways from the saddle.
Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane he could not get a firm
grip. He then threw his arms around the horse's neck, but continued to
slide down the side of the horse. The horse galloped along, seemingly
oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his grip, the Captain
attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. His
foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the
ground. Moments away from unconsciousness and probable death, to his
great fortune a Los Angeles County Sheriff's Deputy, at Wal-Mart on a
shoplifting call, saw him and quickly unplugged the horse! Top Of Page
 Police
Monkeys:
A
man walks into a pet store and is looking around when he spots a
chimpanzee in a cage marked, "$1000". The man looks a little closer and
discovers that the chimpanzee is wearing a tie and a hat and is twirling
a set of handcuffs around his finger. Curious, the man summons the
shopkeeper and asks him what the deal is with this thousand-dollar
monkey. "Sir, You have discovered our Police Officer Monkeys. This one
is our basic Patrol version. It's got a POST Basic certification; can
fire 'Expert' with a Glock, Remington 870, or an AR15; knows the Penal
Code and Traffic Code by heart and is up-to-date on Cultural Diversity
and Active Shooter Response. Very good value for a thousand dollars!"
The man is suitably impressed and moves to the next cage, which is
occupied by a gorilla -- also wearing a hat and tie, but is gnawing on a
pen instead of the handcuffs. The price on this one is $5000. Shopkeeper
exclaims, "Ah, sir! You have discovered the Sergeant model! This one has
a POST Advanced certification, is capable of training any other monkeys
in basic firearms skills, mechanics of arrest, physical training,
investigation and small unit tactics! It can even type! Very good value
for five thousand, sir!" Impressed, the man moves to the next cage.
Inside, he finds an orangutan, dressed in the same hat and tie as the
others, but holding only a coffee cup. "What does this one do that he's
worth $12,000?" asks the man. The shopkeeper clears his throat, "Ah,
sir, well .... we've never actually seen him do anything except
drink coffee and play with his dick, but he says he's a Lieutenant."
Sent in by Michael Lynch. Top Of Page
Polish Police:
Why aren't Polish policemen allowed coffee breaks? Because
it's too costly to retrain them. (Substitute the ethnic background of
your choice)
Top Of Page
Lollipop Salesman:
Three friends, a cop, a fireman and a sanitation worker were on a trip
to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with
over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the
women, when suddenly the sheik came in. "I am the master of all these
women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for
what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to
your profession." The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what
he did for a living. "I'm a cop," said the first man. "Then we will
shoot your penis off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man
and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman," said the second
man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik. Finally, he
asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" The third
man hesitated a moment then answered with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop
salesman!"
Top Of Page
 Last Request: Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's
bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's
terrible news, John was such a good cop too. I know you two were having
marriage troubles recently especially since John got that new attractive
partner, but tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says,
"That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She
says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun..."
Top Of Page
Two Assholes: Old Gomer died in a house fire and was
burned pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to ID the body, so the
local Sheriff called his two best friends, Bubba and Billy Bob, to come
down and try to ID the body. Bubba went in and the mortician pulled back
the sheet and Bubba said, "Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him on
over." So the mortician rolled him over and Bubba looked at his ass and
said "Naw, that ain't Old Gomer!" The mortician didn't say any thing but
thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought in Billy Bob to ID the
body and Billy Bob looked at him and said "Yep, he sure is burnt really
bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Billy Bob looked
down at his ass and said "Nope. That sure ain't Old Gomer!" The
mortician said "How can you tell?" Billy Bob said "Well Old Gomer had
two assholes." "What? he had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yep,
everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us
went to town everyone would say "Here comes Old Gomer with them two
assholes!"
Top Of Page
Seeing Eye Dog: A blind man is walking down the street
with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and
the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street,
leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is
followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers
try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog
finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the
street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he
offers to the dog. A policeman, having observed the near fatal incident
from his post, rushed over and couldn't control his amazement and says
to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a
cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his
direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his
ass."
Top Of Page
The Flood: An orthodox rabbi is studying in his living
room, when there is a knock on the door. When he opens the door, it is a
policeman, who informs him that the rivers are rising, a flood is
expected, and evacuation is recommended. The rabbi explains, "I am a man
of God. I am sure he will protect me from danger." The policeman shrugs
his shoulders and leaves. As the rabbi is watching the rising water
getting closer and closer to his house, there is a second knock, this
time a State Trooper. The trooper says, "Rabbi, we are evacuating the
area as the flood is getting serious and you are in jeopardy." Again the
rabbi explains, "I am a man of God. I am sure he will protect me from
danger. I am staying." Well, the water continues to rise, until the
rabbi is forced to stay on the second floor. He hears some yelling and
looks up to see two firemen in a rowboat right outside his second floor
window. "Rabbi!" one of the firemen calls, "Get in the boat, the rains
are not letting up! It's getting serious." "I am a man of God. He will
protect me from danger. I'll stay." The firemen, fearing for their own
safety, row on. As the flood rises, the rabbi is forced to climb out
onto his roof, just as a helicopter is flying over. The helicopter drops
a rope ladder and a voice calls down, "We're coming to get you, rabbi!"
"No, no.... God will protect me. You go on." Well, needless to say, the
water continues to rise and the rabbi drowns. When he gets to Heaven, he
is really upset. "I must see God," says the rabbi. "Please take me to
God." He is granted an audience with God. "Lord," says the rabbi, "after
a lifetime of devotion to you, why would you forsake me in my moment of
need?" God says, "You schmuck, I sent two cops, a rowboat full of
firemen, and a helicopter...."
Top Of Page
Job Applicant: An applicant was filling out a job
application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been
arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who
had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Top Of Page
 The Monkey: A police officer came upon a terrible wreck
where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the
wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you
could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up
and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to
have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were
drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else? "The monkey pinched his
fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking
marijuana?" "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing!" "They
were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes." "Now wait,
you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before
they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving"
motioned the monkey.
Top Of Page
Old Country Sheriff: There was an old country sheriff who
always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the
old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse." One
day, two deputies in the sheriff's office answered an emergency call at
a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man
and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went
to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double
murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with
somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." "You're right,"
the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you
when the sheriff gets here he's going to say "It could have been
worse." "No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the
house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse.
You're on." About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He
walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into
the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.
"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a
double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed
with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After
hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in
the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." The
deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could
it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all
three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!" "Yes it could,"
the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had
come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed." Top Of Page
The Golf Club: The police arrived and found a woman dead
on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body. They asked
the husband, "Is this your wife?" "Yes," he replied. "Did you kill her?"
"Yes, he replied." "It looks like you struck her about eight times with
this 3-iron. Is that correct?" "Yes," he replied, "...but could you put
me down for a five."
Top Of Page
 Special Diet: A policeman was
terribly overweight and was getting heat from his sergeant and humorous
remarks from his fellow officers and was ordered to go on a diet. The
department doctor put him on a special diet. "I want you to eat
regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2
weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the officer returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20
pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?" The officer nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I
was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No,
from skipping."
Top Of Page
 Border Patrol: Kelvin comes up to the Mexican border on
his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The U.S. border
patrol officer stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand,"
answered Kelvin. The officer says, "We'll just see about that. Get off
the bike." The agent takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them
out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Kelvin overnight and
has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure
sand in the bags. The officer releases Kelvin, puts the sand into new
bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the
border. A week later, the same thing happens. The officer asks, "What
have you got?" "Sand," says Kelvin. The officer does his thorough
examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He
gives the sand back to Kelvin, and Kelvin crosses the border on his
bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Kelvin doesn't show up one day and the officer meets him in a
Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the border patrol officer, "I know
you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think
about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you
smuggling?" Kelvin sips his beer and says, "Bicycles." Top Of Page
He's All Right: Paramedics were first on the scene of a
grizzly auto accident. Unfortunately the driver lost his whole left side
in the accident? One of the cops who just arrived asked if he was OK.
The EMT replied, "He's all right now!"
Top Of Page
Moon River: Two men were cellmates at state penitentiary
for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man, its been a
long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you." Joe
replied. "Are you crazy?!!" Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it
won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe
thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin
and Larry won. Still having strong reservations, Joe asked, "How will
you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry told Joe, "If it hurts, you start
making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start
singing." Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, "Moooooooo.
Moooooo. Mooooon River."
Top Of Page
Super Bowl: Patrolman Bob receives a free ticket to the
Super Bowl from his department for outstanding police work.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is
in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the
Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter,
Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard
line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium
and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he
asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting
here?" The man says "No." Now, very excited to be in such a great seat
for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is
incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the
Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat
belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got
married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says officer Bob, "but
still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close
friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
Top Of Page
Won't Listen: The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought
I told you I never wanted to see you in here again." "Your Honor," the
criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they
wouldn't listen."
Top Of Page
Wino:
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb
and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take
you in, sir. You're obviously drunk" The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer,
are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the
copper. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief -
I thought I was a cripple."
Top Of Page
Dodge City: One fine summer morning in Dodge City,
Chester the deputy woke up with a huge erection. Not knowing what to do,
he consulted Marshall Dillon. "Marshall, Marshall...", said Chester, "I
woke up with a hard-on and don't know whut ta do!!". Marshall Dillon
tells Chester "Well, go out to the stables and shovel manure for a while
and that should take care of it." So Chester begins shoveling. After a
while, Miss Kitty comes walking by and asks "Chester, what are you
doing?". "Well, Miss Kitty, I woke up with a hard-on and I didn't know
whut ta do wid it. Marshall Dillon told me to come out chere and shovel
manure for a while." Raising her dress enough to expose herself Miss
Kitty exclaims "Why don't you just stick it in here, Chester?" Chester
says "The whole shovel full, Miss Kitty??"
Top Of Page
Drunk in Dublin: Late one Friday night the policeman
spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.
They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that
evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, some and the lads
stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was
something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which
are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me
friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -
couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another
bottle for later.." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he
located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The
officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of
the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why?
Don't ye believe me?!"
Top Of Page
 Illegal Alien: A US Border Patrol Agent catches an
illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out
and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the
border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior,
I must stay in de USA!.... Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to
himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you
stay if you can use 3 English words in a sentence." The Mexican man of
course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are:
Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man
thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, ....
OK........ The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez
Yellow?"
Top Of Page
Dead Politicians: A busload of politicians were driving
down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and
crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after
seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to
dig a hole to bury the politicians. A few days later the local sheriff
came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the
politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The
sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer
replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them
politicians lie."
Top Of Page
 The Barbershop: A priest went into a Washington, D.C.
barbershop and got his hair cut. He then asked asked how much he owed
the barber. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a
service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next
morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with
a thank you note from the priest. A few days later, a police officer
came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No
charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my
community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the
stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer. A few days
after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?"
he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a
service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop,
the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.
Top Of Page
Amish Horse: An Amish lady is trotting down the road in
her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. He says, "Ma'am,
I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You
have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob,
know as soon as I get home." "That's fine," he said. "Another thing,
ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back
and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's
cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away."
Later that day, she was telling her husband about her encounter with the
cop, "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes,"
Jacob said. "Anything else wrong?" "I'm not sure, Jacob....something
about the emergency brake...."
Top Of Page
Wet Willy: A policeman came home just in time to find his
wife in bed with another man. So, the officer dragged the man down the
stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vice. He secured it
tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man,
terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to.. To.. cut it off,
are you???!?" The officer said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye,
"Nope. You are. "I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Top Of Page
Bill Clinton: One cold, but sunny winter morning, Bill
Clinton is out jogging in the park. He is running past a big pile of
snow, when he notices something strange. In the snow, "BILL CLINTON IS
AN IDIOT" is written in urine. Furious, he hurries back to the oval
room, and contacts his chief of Secret Police, asking him to solve the
mystery. A few days later Bill's chief of Secret Police returns, and
says to the President, that their scientists have concluded their
testing on the matter, and that there is good and bad news. "Well, give
me the good news first," Bill says. "The good news is, that it was Al
Gore's urine." "That's the GOOD news!?", the President shouts, "What's
the bad news then?". "It was Hillary's handwriting..."
Top Of Page
Too Drunk: A police officer pulls over this guy who had
been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and
says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man
says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that
I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come
down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I
am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we
need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am
also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright
then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do
that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk to do that."
Top Of Page
Locked Out: A women in distress flags down a passing
patrol car and explains she locked herself out of her car. The officer
retrieves the old Slim Jim and proceeds to start working on the door. In
the meantime, the women runs to the store to get a pack of cigarettes.
When she returns she watches the skillful officer from the passenger
side window try to unlock the door. Instinctively she tried the door
handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," she announced to the officer,
"It's open!" "I know," answered the cop, "I already got that side."
Top Of Page
Big Black Dude: A small little white guy is arrested and
thrown in the county jail overnight on some misdemeanor charge. He
notices that a huge black dude is also sharing the same cell. He tries
not to make eye contact with him but much to his dismay the big black
dude approaches him and announces: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small
white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and
brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small
white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but
what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall,
350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name
is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank God!, I thought you
said "Turn around."
Top Of Page
The Acquittal: Since he was a Texan being tried in New
York, the young man felt he didn't have a prayer of beating the murder
rap. Thus, shortly before the jury was to retire he bribed one of the
jurors to find him guilty of manslaughter, not murder. The jury was out
for days, after which they returned a verdict of manslaughter. Cornering
the bribed juror, the Texan whispered, "Thanks a million. How ever did
you manage it?" "It wasn't easy, admitted the bribed juror, ......"All
the others wanted to acquit you."
Top Of Page
Voodoo Dick: There was a businessman who was getting
ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious
sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied
while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing
someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys, and started
rousing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He
explained his situation. The old man said, "Well I don't really know of
anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special
attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her
occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man
asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well
sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo dick." "So
what's up with the voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the
counter and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The
businessman laughed and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every
other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen
what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the
door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and
started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations,
and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the
old man said "Voodoo dick get back in your box!" The voodoo dick
stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" the businessman exclaimed. The old man resisted, saying
it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to 700 dollars cash. The guy
took it home to his wife, and told her it was a special dildo and that
to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left
for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She
thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then
remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my
pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch a and started pumping. It was
great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms,
she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck
in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she
decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her
clothes on, got in the car, and started to drive to the hospital,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm
nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a
policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had
to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been
drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't
stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second and then said "Yea
right...voodoo dick, my ass!"
Top Of Page
Alligator Shoes: A Police Sergeant
was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of
genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very
frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the
officer shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I
can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said,
"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of State
Troopers who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the
Sergeant headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came
upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must
be the two Troopers the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the
Sergeant saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater
towards one of the Troopers. Just as the gator was about to attack, the
Trooper grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with
very little effort. Then both Troopers dragged it on shore and flipped
it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of
the Troopers then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes
either!"
Top Of Page
Out on 3/4's: An Irishman with a
game leg walks into a saloon. He drags his bad leg up to the bar and
orders an Irish whiskey. Then he looks around and sees a long-haired,
bearded guy in a robe sitting at the end of the bar. "Is that Christ our
Lord?" he asks the bartender. "Yes it is," the bartender replies.
"Well, let me buy him an Irish whiskey too," the Irishman responds.
They're sitting nursing their drinks when a hunchback Italian walks in
and orders a glass of Chianti. He too spots Jesus. "Is that the Son of
the Blessed Virgin?" he asks the bartender, and the bartender replies in
the affirmative. "Let me catch him a glass of Chianti too," the Italian
offers. Just then the barroom door bursts open and a cop swaggers up to
the rail. "Gimme a cold one, bartender," the cop orders. And, spotting
Jesus, he adds, "Hey, is that God's little boy? Get him a cold one too."
Jesus eventually finishes his drinks and comes over to the Irishman, the
Italian and the cop to thank them. He touches the Irishman's shoulder
and says thanks, and the fellow's leg magically is fully functional. The
Irishman does a jig in celebration. Christ then approaches the Italian,
thanks him and touches him on the shoulder, and the Italian's back
straightens for the first time in his life. Then Christ approaches the
cop, who backs away and screams, "Don't touch me, I'm out on Three
Quarters!!!" (submitted by
nyyduke@aol.com)
Back to Line Up
Friendly Bears: Being on a stake
out for hours, the undercover cops were getting very bored one quiet
night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air... "Are
there any friendly bears listening?" After a moment, another voice
replied... "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice... "I'm a
friendly bear too!" At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed
his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the cops for fooling
around on the police radio. When he had finished, there was silence for
about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly
bear, are you?"
Top Of Page
Job Switch: A cop was telling his
partner that he and his wife of six years had a dull sex life. His
partner tells him to try new position to add some spunk into it. The cop
gets home and tells his wife "Honey, I think we need to switch
positions." The wife smiles and says "Sure, you come in here and cook
supper and wash the dishes and I'll lay on the couch, fart and watch
TV." (Submitted by Investigator John L. Davis)
Top Of Page
Equipment: A couple went on
vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife
liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after
getting up real early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the
wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake,
so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
The local Sheriff was observing all this and heads out in his boat,
pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She
says, "Reading my book." The Sheriff tells her she is in a restricted
fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he
replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in
and write you up!" Angry that the Sheriff was being so unreasonable, the
lady told the Sheriff, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The Sheriff, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch
you." To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"
Top Of Page
Dead Head: A policeman is on scene
at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes
of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his
notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head
on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on
boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no
one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
Top Of Page
The Patch: Two rednecks, Bubba and
Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police
roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our
foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?", asked
Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl. Well, they finished
their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their
foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys
been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels.
"We're on the patch."
Top Of Page
Wednesday's: This guy gets arrested
and sent to jail. His cellmate tells him he will like jail, here's why.
Cellmate: "You like church?" Newguy: "Its ok" Cellmate:
"On Sundays we get to go to church, you gonna like Sundays" Newguy:
"I guess" Cellmate: "You like basketball" Newguy: "Yea, I
like basketball" Cellmate: "You gonna like Mondays, on Mondays we
play basketball" Cellmate: "You like baseball?" Newguy:
"Yes" Cellmate: "You gonna like Tuesdays, on Tuesdays we play
baseball" Cellmate: "You like sex?" Newguy: "Sure do"
Cellmate; "You like sex with women or men" Newguy: "Women"
Cellmate: "You no like sex with men" Newguy: "FUCK NO"
Cellmate: "You NOT gonna like Wednesdays."
Top Of Page
Gastronomical: A local policeman
had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home
with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening, in
all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes
dear, what happened?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of
them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! What did you do with them?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
Top Of Page
Billy-Bob: One day the sheriff sees
Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and
his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing
walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff,
it's a long story!" Sheriff says that he isn't in a hurry and that
Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me
and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou
said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a
kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well
Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill. So we did. Up on the
hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and then Mary-Lou took off all
her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my
clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground
and opened her legs and said "Billy-Bob, go to town"
Top Of Page
The Drunk: The Policeman had
stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a
clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol
car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into
a rather fashionable neighborhood. "Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if
you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the
living room, he said, "You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that
giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me." The police officer
followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second
floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my
bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman
lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her?
Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to
seriously doubt the man's story. "Well, thash me!"
Top Of Page
The Pullover: "Hey you! Pull over!"
shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined
her twenty-five dollars. She went home in great anxiety lest her
husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the
incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One
pullover, $25."
Top Of Page
Interstate Chase: Two Alabama State
Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the
suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did
you stop?" The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour
ahead of us, so we'll never catch him." Top Of Page
No Parking: A young woman was doing
some business at Marshall University and parked in an area clearly
marked "no parking." After taking care of business, she returned to her
car to find a campus security guard writing her a ticket. "Why are you
giving me a ticket?" she asked. "You're not allowed to park here," the
guard said. "See that sign? It says 'Fine for Parking Here." "Well,"
said the violator, "I thought it was a fine place to park." The guard
began to laugh. The more he thought about it, the harder he laughed. He
tore up the ticket and waved the woman on her way.
Top Of Page
Cereal Killer: A local man was
found murdered in his home in Galveston, Texas over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub
had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and the deceased had a banana
protruding from his buttocks... Police suspect a cereal killer. (Sent
in by: Officer Suzanne M. Williams, Paxtang Police Dept., Harrisburg PA)
Top Of Page
New Car: An old con was talking to
a new inmate in prison. "What are ya in for kid." "I tried to make a new
kind of car." He replied. "I took the engine from a Ford, the
transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the
exhaust system from a Plymouth." "Really? What did you get?" "Fifteen
years for theft."
Top Of Page
The Bicyclist: There was a man who
decided to ride his 10-speed bike from Phoenix to the Grand Canyon. He
made it cross the desert with no problem, but when he reached the
mountains the steep grade wore him down. Realizing he can't continue, he
decides to hitchhike. Two hours go by and not a single car has stopped.
A guy driving a Corvette stops and asks if he can help. The bicyclist
says, "I could use a ride." The driver looks at the bicycle. "That won't
fit in the car," he muses. He opens his trunk and takes out a piece of
rope. He ties one end to the bicycle and the other end to his bumper.
"You've got a horn on your bike. If I go too fast, honk your horn and I
will slow down." This scheme worked well for several miles. Suddenly, a
Vette blows past them. Not to be outdone, the first Vette driver takes
off in pursuit. They fly through a speed zone. The patrol officer looks
at his radar gun. It indicates both "Vette's are traveling over 120 mph.
He radios the officer ahead and says, "You've got two Corvettes headed
your way. They're both doing over 120 mph." He hesitates a moment, then
adds, "You're not going to believe this. But there's a guy on a bicycle.
He's also doing over 120 mph and he's honking to pass..."
Back to Line Up
Lost Wife: A drunk is driving
through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An
Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have
you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the
cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "I did all right," the drunk
says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."
Top Of Page
Police Test: A young man was taking
a verbal test to join the local police force. The question asked, "If
you were driving a police car, alone on a lonely road at night, and were
being chased by a gang of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what
would you do?" The young man answered without a second's thought:
"Seventy!"
Top Of Page
Death Row: There was a German, an
Italian and a Texas Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice
of three ways to die: 1. was to be shot 2. was to be hung 3. was to be
injected with the AIDS virus. So the German said, "Shoot me right in the
head." (Boom, he was dead instantly). Then the Italian said, "Just hang
me." (Snap, he was dead.) Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that
AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this
guy. Then the Redneck said "Give me another one of those shots," so the
guards did. Now the was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and
he doubled over. So finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong
with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing
a condom."
Top Of Page
Rectum Stretcher: Bob was driving
home after spending a great day on the lake fishing. His catch, cleaned
and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He
was late getting home, so he was speeding just a little bit. As he was
crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned Bob
to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop
walked up to Bob's car and said "You know how fast you were goin', boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?" "67 MPH, BOY!! 67 MPH in a
55 zone!!!", said the cop. "If you already knew, why'd you ask me?", Bob
snarled back. Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's
speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good
close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire, and said, "You don't
even look like you have a job!! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy
in my entire life!" Bob answered, "Hey, I've got a job...a good job!"
The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the foul air, and said, "What
kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?" "I'm a rectum
stretcher!" Bob replied. "What the hell does a rectum stretcher do,
Boy?", said the cop. Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched,
I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple fingers, then a couple
more, and then one hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them
farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image, asked, "What the hell do you
do with a six foot asshole?" Bob replied, "I guess you give it a radar
gun and stick it on the end of a bridge!"
Top Of Page
Chicken Shit: A teacher on
playground duty noticed a scruffy little boy sitting in the dirt and
intently working on something. As she approached, she saw that he was
using a twig to stir something in an old soup can. "What have you got in
the can, Johnny?" she asked brightly. He looked up at her with evil
little eyes and said, "Got me some chickenshit n' water." After she had
recovered from her shock, she stammered, "What in the world are you
doing?" "Makin' me a teacher!" "Oooh!" she howled. "The principal shall
hear of this!" and she stamped off to find him. When she returned with
the principal in tow, the boy was still hard at work, stirring away,
frowning in concentration. "All right, Johnny! Now, you tell me, what
have you got in that can there?" said the principal. "I got me some
chickenshit an' water" said Johnny, grinning crookedly at the man and
continuing to stir. The principal recoiled in horror. "What do you think
you're doing?" he bellowed. "Ize makin' me a principal", Johnny replied,
leering up at him. "Well, my young friend, we'll just see about that,"
the principal said, and stormed off to find a cop. When at last he
returned with a policeman, Johnny was still industriously working on his
project. "All right, me lad, what've ye got in the can?" the cop asked.
Johnny replied, "Got me some chicken shit n' water!" The cop frowned and
said, "ah, and I suppose you'll be tellin' me you're makin' a cop, now
won't ye?" Johnny frowned down into the can, critically examining its
contents. "Nope. Ain't got enough chickenshit."
Top Of Page
Texas Trooper: The old Texas
trooper just pulled over a speeder. He walks up to the drivers side
window and hauls of and slaps the fire out of him. The shocked driver
said "W-w-w-hat did you do that for". The old troop said, "Boy, don't
you know when a trooper pulls you over, you'd better be ready when I get
here". The driver hands him the license and shortly after received his
citation. Again the trooper hauls off and belts him one across the face.
The guy said, "Alright, now what was that for?" The old troop said,
"that's to remind you not to speed in Texas. Now get out of
here...Wait...hold on." The troop walks over to the passenger side and
slaps the fire out of him. The passenger said, "...But, but, but, I
wasn't even driving". The troop said, "I know, I was just granting your
wish". The passenger says, "wish, what wish?." Old troop said, "I know
that you wouldn't have got five miles from here before you told your
buddy, "I wish that guy would've tried that crap
with me!"
Top Of Page
Free Oranges: A girl was a
prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police
raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the
girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the
prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma
came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing
in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth,
the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out
free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully
nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to
the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for
information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was
bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do
you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my
dentures out and suck them dry."
Top Of Page
Black Eye: One night, a lady
stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard
a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she
knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent
to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a
black eye. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
Back to Line Up
Can't Swim: A cop walks down the
Santa Monica pier. He suddenly hears a man screaming: "HELP! HELP ME! I
CAN'T SWIM! I CAN'T SWIM." The officer looks down the pier and sees the
man struggling in the water... "Well that's a good thing sir, cause
you're not allowed to swim here."
Top Of Page
The $100 Bill: Four dudes-the
Easter Bunny, Santa, A policeman and an Honest Lawyer are walking
side-by-side down the road. They see a $100 dollar bill in the middle of
the road. They all grab for it, at once. Who gets it? The cop - all the
other ones are fictitious characters.
Top Of Page
The Judge: A man arrested for
speeding went before the judge. The judge said "You look very familiar
to me, where you ever up before me?" "I don't know your honor, what time
do you get up?" The judge said, "The court fines you 30 days or $30,
which do you want?" The man replied, "I'll take the money your honor."
Top Of Page
The Decoy: A Winchester Patrolman
waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time
everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so
obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his
keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the
car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights
on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the
grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out
onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for
this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the
breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The
patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he
exclaimed. "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated
decoy!"
Top Of Page
Hold My Hand:
A Murderer, sitting
in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last
requests?" asked the Chaplain. "Yes," replied the condemned man. "I'm
scared, will you hold my hand?"
Top Of Page
Gomer: The local sheriff was
looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail
in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff
drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought
to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of
the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again
surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought
of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a
minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go
home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the
pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the
interview. Gomer was elated. "It went great! First day on the job and
I'm already working on a murder case!"
Top Of Page
Math Exam: City of Los Angeles High
School Math Proficiency Exam
Name: _________________ Gang Name: ______________
1
Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out
of every 10 shots and he uses 13 shots per drive-by shooting. How many
drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2
Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $220
and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the
rest of his hold?
3
Rufus pimps 3 hoe's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per
day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4
Jerome wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make
20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5
Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and
$100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many
more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6
Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his
common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when
he gets out? Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for
killing the ho that spent his money?
7
If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average
letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight
ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8
Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang.
What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9
Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats
3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a
week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's
income?
10
Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads
his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far
away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
Top Of Page
The Lecture: The man was in no
shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he
was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. Policeman:
What are you doing here at 2 A.M.? Man: I'm going to a lecture.
Policeman: And who is going to give a lecture at this hour? Man: My
wife.
Top Of Page
It's Not Fair: A man was speeding
down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at
the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with
an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him
the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the
man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair
- there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast,
so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..."
the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch
*all* the fish?"
Top Of Page
Safe Distance:
A cop pulls a car
over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license,
the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a
safe distance between my car and the car in back of me. Top Of Page
Three Convicts: Three convicts were
going to be executed. As they went out, the first was given one last
request. He pointed behind the firing range and shouted, "Tornado" and
ran away. The second one pointed and said, "Hurricane," and did the
same. The third shouted, "Fire!"
Top Of Page
Prison Life: Two guys were picked
up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you
a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend
and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up
drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday. Monday, the two guys
were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over
the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used
a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this... (draws two
circles on a piece of paper, one big circle and one small circle) and
told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the
judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I
persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's
amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two
circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "this is your
asshole before prison......"
Top Of Page
The Burglar: A man went to the
police station to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house
the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk
Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the
house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."
Top Of Page
MYASS: Top Brass Unveil New Police
Data System. A great new software announcement!!! This memo is to
announce the development of a new police data system. We are currently
building a criminal information data center that will contain all firm
data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia
Year Application
Software System"
(MYASS). Next Monday at
9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show
MYASS to everyone. We will
continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all
officers will have an opportunity to get a good look at
MYASS. As for the status
of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the
networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use
MYASS. This restriction
will be removed after MYASS
expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to
depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a sergeant's office and
was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in
MYASS. I've noticed that
some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of
MYASS. Just last week,
when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a data
entry clerk say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in
MYASS before." I
volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through
she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually
looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after
using NLETS and TLETS, she was ready to kiss
MYASS. I know there are
concerns over the virus that was found in
MYASS upon initial
installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and
we were able to save MYASS.
In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering
MYASS. We planned this
database to encompass all information associated with ongoing
investigations. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put
anything you want into MYASS.
As MYASS grows larger,
we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by the roll call
room and see a sergeant hand a paper to an officer and say "Here, stick
this in MYASS." This
program has already demonstrated great benefit to the department during
recent TCLEOSE audits. After requesting certain historical data the
agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the
information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly
our training sergeant proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of
MYASS."
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The Pope: One day the Pope was
feeling stressed out so he decided to call for his chauffer to take him
out to the country for a rest. The traffic was heavy in Rome so the car
inched along slowly. The Pope got frustrated and ordered the chauffer
to switch places with him so he could drive. The Pope pulled around the
traffic and began driving around 100 mph through the streets of Rome. A
police car soon pulled the car over. When the policeman saw who was in
the car he got really nervous and radioed his supervisor for advice. "I
pulled this guy over and he is really, really important. What should I
do?" asked the policeman. "Who is he?" asked the supervisor. "He is
really, really, really important." said the policeman. "But who is he?"
asked the supervisor. The policeman said, "I don't know who he is, but
he's got the Pope as his chauffer."
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Big Red Truck: A blonde woman calls
911. In a panic she tells the dispatcher that her house is on fire and
that she needs the fire department there immediately. The dispatcher
tells her, just calm down Mame and tell us how to get there. The blonde
lady replies "DUH, THE BIG RED TRUCK"
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Fat-Ass: The Police Commander
called down to Motor Maintenance. A sleepy voice answered, "Hullo." The
Commander said, "How many vehicles in the motor pool?" The sleepy voice
said, "Hold on." After a few minutes, he came back on and said, "There's
7 Fords, 3 Chevys, and 2 Front-line pool cars for the fat-ass exempts."
The Commander was upset by this and said, "Do you know who this is?"
Sleepy voice said, "No." The Commander said, "This is The Commander!"
Dead silence for about 5 seconds. Then the sleepy voice asked, "Do you
know who this is?" The Commander says, "No." Sleepy voice replies,
"Goodbye, Fat-ass!!"
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The Juggler: There is this juggler
driving down the street on his way to a show. All of a sudden a cop
pulls him over. The cop comes up to the window and says, "License and
registration please." Meanwhile the cop is looking inside the car and
noticed that there were torches and lighter fluid and matches in the
back seat. The cop gets a little suspicious and thinks, "Wow! I may have
caught an arsonist." So he says to the juggler. "What are the torches
for?" The juggler replies, "I am a juggler and as part of my act I
juggle flaming torches." The cop says, "I don't believe you, prove it."
So the juggler gets out of the car and drags out all of his stuff and
starts juggling like 5 flaming torches. While this is going on, a couple
is driving by. The husband turns to his wife and says, "Gee honey, I am
sure glad that I quit drinking. Look at the sobriety tests they are
giving now."
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Low Bridge: A truck driver was
driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge
ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police
car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
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Fire Chief Clothes: A police
officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was
relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at
2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the
dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then,
his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to
the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've
got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his
way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug
store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said
the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick,
right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well what the heck are you doing
all dressed like the Fire Chief?"
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Penguins: A man was driving down
the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and
say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should
take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off. The next day the
same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and
again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though
I told you to take those to the zoo." The man replies "I did. Today I'm
taking them to the movies."
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Who Killed Jesus: Three guys, a
Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police
academy. The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, "We
have to ask you one question before we admit you in to the academy, Who
killed Jesus?" The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it." The Captain
says, "Right, you're admitted." The Italian guy goes in next. The
Captain asks him the same thing. "We have to ask you one question first
before you're admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?" The
Italian guy says "The Romans did it." The Captain says, "Right, you're
admitted." The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question.
The Polish guy says "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells him to go
home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him. The
Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at
the academy, and he says to her, "You won't believe it! My first day on
the job and they assigned me to a murder case!"
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News at 11: As they were rolling
closing credits on a TV show the other night, the local TV station cut
to their news anchor with a quick preview for the late local news, which
was coming up next. The spot ended something like this: "...and we'll
have more details on the murder victim discovered by police today. We'll
tell you what they found, just ahead." I wonder where the body was.
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Bloodshot Eyes: A police officer
pulls a car over for speeding, and as he's writing the ticket the
officer looks at the driver carefully and says, "Sir, I can't help but
notice that your eyes are very bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The
driver stares up at the officer and says, "Officer, I can't help but
notice that your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"
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Dodger Fan: Did you hear why the LA
Police had to leave the Dodgers' game early? To beat the crowd.
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Pull Over: One day an old lady was
driving along the highway steering with her feet and knitting. She was
swerving all over the road when a police came beside her car and said,
"Pull over!" and the lady said, "No it's socks!"
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Most Wanted: Little Johnny's
kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station
where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most
wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it
really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The
detectives want him very badly." Little Johnny asked, "So, why didn't
you keep him when you took his picture?"
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Contacts: A policeman stops a lady
and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should
be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The
policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Top Of Page
Lost Dad: Five year old Little
Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my
dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied, "Beer
and women!"
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Drunk Driver: There was an
inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened
the door, the driver fell out. "YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police
officer. "Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering
had gone."
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Circle Flies: An old farmer was
hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You
were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep." the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several
flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep,"
the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them
flies that circle a horse's ass." answered the farmer. "Them are circle
flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the
trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you
just can't fool them flies."
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Mr. Snail: One warm summer evening
as dusk approached, a snail was sliding home from a day at the lake.
Along the way, Mr. Snail had to venture into a shady part of the
neighborhood. Careful though he was, Mr. Snail was unexpectedly
approached from behind by two rogue turtles. The turtles commenced to
attack Mr. Snail, striking him about the head and tail with their front
and rear legs. They robbed him of what little valuables he carried with
him, leaving him for dead. As luck would have it, a police officer on
routine patrol came across the batted snail -- still clinging on to
life. As the officer awaited for medical assistance to arrive, he
empathetically began his preliminary investigation into this heinous
crime. "Tell me, Mr. Snail, who did this to you?" the officer inquired.
"I don't know," responded the snail, in obvious pain and confusion, "it
all happened so fast . . . "
Top Of Page
The Little League: A lady with a
station wagon full of little league baseball players ran a stop sign and
almost rammed a police car. The officer got out of the cruiser and
screamed, "Jesus lady, don't you know when to stop? The lady replied,
"Honest, Officer, these kids are not all mine".
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Credit Card Theft: Police: Mr.
Johnson, we have just arrested a thief carrying several credit cards
with Mrs. Johnson's name on them. Mr. Johnson: Tell the thief he can
keep them. Police: But don't you want your credit cards back? Mr.
Johnson: No. He's been spending only about half as much as Mrs. Johnson.
Top Of Page
Warning Shot: A rookie officer that
had previously served in the U.S. Coast Guard stopped a car for
speeding. The driver asked, "Gee officer, can't you just give me a
warning"? The officer said, "Sure." He stepped back, drew his .357
magnum and fired a shot across the hood of the car.
Top Of Page
Two Rednecks: There were two
rednecks speeding down a dirt road in Alabama when they were pulled over
by a local Sheriff. As the Sheriff approached, the driver rolled down
his window. The Sheriff asked, "You got any ID?". The driver replied
"'Bout what?"
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911 Call: A man called 911 and
spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
dispatcher asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
husband!"
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Suicide: Two undercover police
officers assigned to the organized crime unit were overlooking a bloody
mob hit scene. The victim had six gun shot wounds to the back of the
head. One cop looks at the other and utters, "Worst case of suicide I've
ever seen."
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Actual Criminal Court Transcripts
Q: "James shot
Tommy Lee?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "Then Tommy Lee pulled out his
gun and shot James in the fracas?"
A: "No sir, just above it."
Q: "Doctor, will
you take a look at those X-rays and tell us something about the injury?"
A: "Let's see, which side am I testifying for?"
The Court:
"You've been charged with armed robbery. Do you want the court to
appoint a lawyer to represent you?"
Defendant: "You don't have to appoint a very good lawyer, I'm
going to plead guilty."
Judge (to jury):
"If that be your verdict, so say you all."
Two Jurors: "You all."
Q: "And what did
he do then?"
A: "He came home, and the next morning he was dead."
Q: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
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Missing Dashboard: A drunk phoned
police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the
dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!"
he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the
phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never
mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
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Lie Detector Test: Police in
Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander
on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
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Traffic Ticket: A motorist was
unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed
using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the
police department a photograph of $40 check. Several days later, he
received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of
handcuffs.
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Mother-in-Law: The hit-and-run
victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My
mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it
was your mother-in-law?" "I recognized the laugh!" he replied.
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Fuzz: Phillip and Phoebe are parked
in Lover's Lane. He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore
with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman
approaching. "Awwwww Hell!" he murmured, "Fuzz!" "What did ya expect?"
Phoebe sez, "A perm?"
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Doing 69: A young dating couple
were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to
get very passionate. So they decided |
